How To Be Me?
...sit still, look pretty
Yes, it's that simple.
I wish it were.
I wish I have a comfortable life, but I don't.
On April 21, 2011, I wrote this on my journal:
Five years from now, I see myself as a successful woman with a stable and growing career in the field of writing, education or research, and online communication, a happy and fulfilled marriage, at least two beautiful kids, a business of my own, and a cause I have fought and will continue to fight for. Pretty much a balanced and abundant life - mentally, financially, emotionally, and spiritually.
More than five years after, everything still remains a vision. Because while I have my plans, God has His own, and I chose to believe they're better, more beautiful than mine.
So how am I now? Where am I now?
Not much has changed. Except for the fact that I'm now living alone. And while I'm still working at the Global Mission Center, I am now entrusted with a bigger responsibility (and it's scary!).
Living alone. Pursuing a dream. Trying my best to maintain and nourish the relationships I treasure the most. Handling an important unit.
How exactly am I able to survive?
To be honest, I am so overwhelmed.
There are times when all I could ever do is cry. A river.
Just like last night.
I really miss being with my parents. Or at least with someone, like my brother.
It's just so hard to live alone, especially during moments when your hormones are acting like crazy, when you just can't contain your emotions, when you're too tired or too scared, and you badly need a hug but all you have is a lifeless pillow.
Then you tell yourself, "You can do it!"
Of course I can. It has become my reality since Papa and Mama left for Iloilo more than two years ago (has it been that long?!).
So paano ko nga kinakaya?
I just cry out everything to the Lord, and to my Mother Mary, because where my strength ends, God's mercy and grace begins.
I really can't do anything on my own. Everything is grace.
By His grace I am able to wake up everyday with renewed faith and enthusiasm.
By His grace I am able to endure the tiresome commuting from Cainta to Quezon City.
By His grace I am able to accomplish tasks one by one. I make very little progress considering the amount of deliverables I have on my plate, but at least I still get things done despite, and in spite of everything.
At times I wish things were better, or easier. But if this is my reality now, then all I can do is to choose to embrace it, and still hope for the best.
I remember a story shared by Fr. Anthony.
There was a man who went to God and complained about his cross. God, in His goodness, allowed the man to replace his cross with whatever he wants. The first that he picked was too light, the second was too heavy, and he was just too uncomfortable with the third. Finally, he settled for the fourth cross, not too heavy nor too light, not too comfortable nor too uncomfortable to bear. It was just right. When the man thanked God for the opportunity He gave him to change his cross, he was startled at God's reply: "You know what son? That's exactly the same cross that you wanted to replace."
We all heard or read it before. God will not lead you where His grace cannot keep you. Yes, God won't give us crosses we can't bear.
So whatever it is that you're going through right now, know that you can victoriously get through it. You can and you will survive. By God's grace.
#NoteToSelf (Image Source: Pinterest)