When You're Tired and Lonely :)

13 May 2015

1:45 AM

Today, I officially finished cleaning the apartment unit. Hooray! :) 

I guess that's what loneliness can do to a person: to never stop until she's done. 

Wait, what did I just say? Am I really lonely? How is that possible?! Me? The strong, independent, Aiza? I may be alone, but I'll never be lonely. Right? Wrong. :) 

Fr. Benedict, in his homily yesterday explained it beautifully (and for the nth time, I felt that his homily was intended just for me :D I just so love him. He truly is a "father" to me.). According to him, it is stupid (yeah, that's the word he used :D) to say that people are alone but not lonely. He said that may be true at times, but not all the time. We would all come to a point of loneliness, whether we admit it or not. 

As for me, I must admit that I am terribly sad (lonely) right now. I so miss my parents and my brother. I would cry at times, just like at this time (because most of the time I resist the feeling of crying) having realized that I am actually alone and this is actually sort of an empty apartment. Yes, I was in Iloilo for almost a week because of the KFC IKV. But when I got back, it became harder for me not to miss them. Especially during these most critical days of my life. You know, that thing called "work." :) I just try to comfort myself by singing, "you'll get by, with a smile..."

I am tired already. Sabi nga ni Fr. Benedict, "Philippine Islands!" God, I really thank You for Fr. Benedict. He just says the right words at the right time. It's as if he knows everything that I am going through even without me telling him. Siguro napagdugtong-dugtong na lang niya lahat ng confessions ko. Haha. 

Anyway, as he further said, "the way we behave ourselves during our greatest difficulties is our witness before the world." Someone asked me if I have any prayer intention because he's attending a Taize prayer celebration. I replied, "Grace to live each day reflecting God's love." Or simply "grace under pressure." I really can't make it on my own. That's why I pray daily not just to the Father and the Son, but also to the Holy Spirit, that He would always grant me my much-needed grace. 

So what's the connection of my being lonely and tired to my cleaning the apartment? Well, I already resorted to cooking before. But this time, I don't have anything to cook and I haven't cleaned the apartment yet since I arrived, actually, even before Arnold left. Well, I "clean" in the sense that I sweep the floor every now and then, but not the "general cleaning" that Mama and I would normally do. Future husband, I'm actually thinking of you while writing this, you might want to know more about me. :) I am really close to my parents. And what I learned about life and love mostly came from them. No, not the "Waterboy" type, but they taught me practical tips on how to survive. I guess they have prepared me well enough to live independently. They probably knew that I would actually come to that point. Living alone.

Among the things that Mama and I love to do together are cooking, gardening, doing the laundry, and cleaning the house/apartment. And that "don't settle for less" principle, I first learned from her. :) Mama would never stop until everything is totally clean - shining, shimmering, splendid kind of "clean." And that is not an exaggeration. Mama does everything with passion that's why she delivers excellent results. And so, as my way of thanking and honoring her especially on Mother's Day, I did what she and I used to do together: general cleaning of the apartment from the ceiling to the windows to the floor to the doors to cabinets, beds, toilet, kitchen, everything! I started last Saturday (May 9). Instead of going with the KES Cornerstone Volunteers for the team fellowship, I spent my time tidying the apartment beginning with my personal space - the loft. The heavy rains and the power interruption did not stop me from doing what I was supposed to do. 

On Sunday morning, I began to clean up Arnold's space. I had to stop at noon because I need to prepare for my CLP talk in Taytay. After the talk, I heard mass at Our Lady of Light Parish in Cainta, and had dinner at Jollibee Karangalan. That's the saddest part. I went to Jollibee because it is my happy place. I ordered my favorite Burger Steak meal with Buttered Corn, Iced Tea, and Strawberry Sundae. I thought I would be happy especially after sending my personal honoring to all the mothers I look up to. But seeing all those families eating together, laughing together, celebrating Mother's Day together, I felt so lonely. I called up my brother, and I silently cried. I called up Mama and all the more that I cried (in silence). She said she misses eating at Jollibee and that she wants to try the Ultimate Burger Steak. I wish I could fly there instantly and bring her to the nearest Jollibee and let her eat her favorite pansit palabok and let her try the Ultimate Burger Steak. But all I could say was, "hayaan mo, Ma, pag-uwi ni Arnold diyan, kakain kayo sa Jollibee." Arnold is just in Boracay so it's easier for him to go to Iloilo. He'll go home for our parents' anniversary on May 31. 

Thank God I was able to somehow control my emotions. I didn't want to break down in the midst of happy families celebrating that special day for mothers. And so I went home and instead of crying inconsolably (I realized, there's no one to console me anyway, so it would just be useless), I continued cleaning up the apartment. Swept and mopped the floor, cleaned up the kitchen, organized the cabinets, washed the door mats, and ensured that everything is in order. I was so passionate about getting the apartment cleaned that by the time I finished, it was already 5:30 AM. Seriously. That long. And I haven't done the laundry yet, nor have I cleaned the bathroom completely. But I needed to rest. I woke up at 9 AM that same day, did the laundry and prepared to go to work. On Monday evening, I ironed my clothes and organized my closet.

Last night, I did the other half of the laundry (mga basahan na ginamit sa paglilinis) and cleaned up the bathroom. And I ended up today at 1:45 AM. :) What Mama and I would do in 1-2 days, I did in 4 days! But man, I felt really fulfilled afterwards. :) 

Nothing beats the satisfaction that I got after seeing the fruits of my labor. Pwede na akong magpa-bedspace. Who's interested? Haha. Arnold actually suggested that before he left. But I thought it would only add up to my already stressful life, so I didn't bother to look for a "boardmate." And while I really miss the whole family, I still feel at peace everytime I climb up the loft, stare at my altar while praying, and finally lie on my bed.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph never fail to assure me that they accompany me in this journey. I find comfort in the words that God tells me every moment of my life: "I am with you." Every day, whether I'm happy, sad, energized, or tired, the Lord serenades me with this love song:

Do not let your heart be troubled

Do not stay afraid

It is really I whom you see

I offer you now My peace

I have waited for this moment

To be with you again

In My heart you'll remain

In your heart I'll stay

I am with you till the end of your days

I am in you, have faith that I hold you

even when you let go

And I love you, you must know

I am here, I am ever with you

Do not let your heart be troubled

Do not stay afraid

I'm beyond all anguish, all death

I'm risen to life anew

When you feel that you've been emptied

And can give no more

Know that I am your breath

And I fill your soul

I am with you till the end of your days

I am in you, have faith that I hold you

even when you let go

And I love you, you must know

I am here, I am ever with you

I manage to survive each day because my God has never abandoned me - even during those times when I felt most tired, even on those days when I am loneliest - He is ever with me. ♥

"You are not alone. I am your mother." - Mama Mary 

When I'm tired and lonely, I read, I write, I sing, I pray. :)

Thank You, God, my Loving Father. 

Thank You, Jesus, my Savior and Redeemer. 

Thank You, Holy Spirit, my Companion and Helper. 

Thank You, Mama Mary, my ever-dependable Mother. 

Thank You, St. Joseph, my Prayer Partner. ♥

And thank you, Mama! You know how much I love you and how much I thank the Lord for you. I know I am loved by the Lord because you are my mother, because we are a family. :)

I will still get tired and lonely, but I will continue to move forward with hope, joy, and peace, because I have God, I have a family, I have a community, I am blessed, I am loved... and that's more than enough. ♥