Home Alone

Journal Entry for Thursday, June 26

I'm on a sick leave because my doctor advised me to take a day off and really rest. I've been coughing since the beginning of June, and this week, I'm having colds and slight fever. I was given antibiotics and two other medicines to ease my breathing but I was resistant. My condition didn't get better mainly because I lack rest. The past weeks, especially last week, have been very exhausting and draining. I would sleep really late (latest, or earliest was at 3:30am) and wake early then stay up all day and all night again. Everyday, all I could pray was "Give me strength for one more day, Lord." I was so stressed with work and family matters (my parents are now in Iloilo, thanks for your prayers, they're safe!), it has already taken a toll on my body. Yesterday, I visited my doctor again, worse than ever. He gave me another set of medicines, a much expensive (but he says more effective) antibiotics, and advised me to rest.

I knew I needed that so badly. And so today, I'm taking a day off. I was left alone since my brother went to work. I had breakfast with the Lord, seriously. I finally had the time and the perfect venue to blurt out to Him everything I've been keeping inside. All the hurt, the disappointments, the questions I dared not ask before, my fears, my hopes - everything I've pushed aside the previous weeks just because the circumstances forced me to be strong and kept me busy and distracted enough to acknowledge all my pains.

I cried like a baby before a Father I do not see but I can so feel, even when He was silent. All throughout the morning, He just allowed me to speak my soul and cry my heart out. I knew He was listening. I also turned to the loving embrace of our dear Mother Mary. I confided to her like I would to Mama. All out. Barenaked.

My little piece of heaven. :)

When I was finally able to release all the stressors I've tried to ignore for quite some time now, I reached for my laptop with the intention to write. But I was led to read a novel which I could no longer remember where I got (probably from Anne). The title (Accidentally on Purpose) was catchy enough, but it was the dedication that really got me: "This novel is dedicated to all of my girlfriends. Never accept anything (or anyone) less than you deserve."

It was a novel about love - and the crazy things one does in order to have and keep it. The story was so interesting that I got to finish it in one sitting. Everything about it felt so real - the plot, the characters, the situations they're all in. I found myself crying from the beginning of Chapter 33 up to the last sentence.

It was a beautiful story of a woman so desperately in love that she allowed herself to be used and abused and after realizing all the crazy things she did just to keep something that was never hers in the first place, she shut everybody off and tried to pay for the consequences of all her bad decisions alone. But it wasn't just that. It was a story of redemption too and of how true love can heal all wounds, accept all imperfections, and overpower all guilt and resentment. It felt like I attended a Princess Diaries Retreat again. :)

Then I overheard this from our neighbor's TV: "Ang pag-ibig na nakalaan para sa'yo, hahabulin mo ba? Hahanapin? O kusa na lang darating?" It was a teaser for GMA's upcoming show, My Destiny featuring Tom Rodriguez and Carla Abellana. I just smiled and said to myself, "kusa na lang darating." You cannot force love. You can just allow it to grow. :)

In the novel that I just read, the good guy has been crushing on the woman for three years already. But he never said anything. It took him quite sometime to finally muster all the confidence to ask her out. He didn't rush things because he wanted to be sure if he really loved the woman or was just physically attracted to her. When he got hurt because of the woman's indecision, he didn't force forgiveness and healing. Everything just fell into place at the right time.

Love indeed takes time. And if it's true love, then it's definitely worth waiting for. :)

As for me, I haven't met Luke yet, but I'm hopeful that someday I will. ♥

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